When Allah is your strength, Calm Down!

Alhamdulillah, Ya Rabb.

Thank you so much for everything you give to me, thank you for always allowing me to explore many things in this world. Ya Rabb, I seek your pleasure, please help me to conquer my 'nafs.' Ya Allah, I need you in everything, and sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by many challenges. I know, I have many weaknesses; please always guide my path, my intention, my life, my desire, all of them are only for you, to the one who has the universe. Ya Allah, please protect me, my family, my friends, my beloved Muslims and Muslimah in Palestine. Ya Allah, I don't know what will happen in the future. I think I don't have to chop off your plan, Ya Rabb. Please plan the strength and the forbearance within myself.

Ya Allah, I know this way will be difficult, but I have you, the one who is always here. Please give me your guidance on how to deal with every hardship. I went to the USA last year. I'm fond of Montana State, honestly, I had never imagined that before. Your scenario is even more spectacular than mine. I must traverse the ocean, fly in the highest of the sky, to just visit the United States. That is the moment that made me feel like 'You are always here, in every second of my decisions'. I flit in your biggest overcast, and still, your creatures are so alluring. 

Ya Allah, please forgive me. I have nothing, I am really a faqir. Please, Ya Rabb, fulfill my prayer; this Ramadhan is actually special for me. Finally, I can write in English. It's been a long time since I last improved my writing skills. Ya Rabb, I need support in my success, I want everything to be based on your inclination. I may have some urges to do A-Z, but the conclusion is yours. Ya Allah, please grow a good heart and mind in me. When I arrived at Incheon International Airport (ICN) in September 2025. MashaAllah, Ya Rabb, I can see that the airport is the largest, maybe it's one of the busiest in the world, and serves as a major hub for international travel. Alhamdulillah, Ya Rabb, please allow me to go around other airports this year, Aaamiin. 

Ya Allah, please, I need your help to finish my graduate thesis. Ya Rabb, You know the defiance I face, it makes me so frustrated, not really, but sometimes I'm burning out from just thinking about what I should do next. Please, Ya Rabb, could you give me more surprises? Ya Rabb, I don't know what I will do. I only have you as my love in this dunya. 

"Allahumma inni as'alukal huda wat tuqwa wal 'afaf wal ghina (Ya Allah, aku memohon kepada-Mu petunjuk, ketawqwaan, diberikan sifat 'afaf' dan ghina).

Ya Allah, please, I really want to make my parents proud of me. Please make them happy and healthy in this world, Ya Allah. Please help their lives; please give them happiness in this world and the hereafter. I love them so much, please take care of their heart and mind, forevermore, Aaamiin. 

Ya Allah...lots of stories come.

I'm on the edge of nothing; just wanna make sure that I'm okay without telling anyone. When he came into my life, I was pretty sure about who he was. Someone who looks so calm; separation always means soreness, but for me, it's something that changes my perspective. At first, I might seem so hopeless, due to my loyalty, I'm in the trap of love, I guess. He has given lots of attachments; a kind-hearted person, but I still don't know what happened to me in this situation. We have gone, physically, from the deepest of my heart; It's not valid, why? Like the first time we met, I call this moment an unpredictable gift.

Ya Rabb, we love each other very much, we leave ourselves to something more beautiful. We turn over every prayer only for you, Ya Allah. As long as he is happy, I'm in the same feeling as him. Indeed, his name always sparks my day, reminds me of every story we've created. The way he smiled and stared at me, and I prayed for his happiness, forevermore. There are some things that I cannot even explain about the way he treated me well-organized. I know, sometimes I feel so stubborn, I made him mad, I love studying rather than him. I evaluate myself, from those experiences; I promise I will be a better woman, darling.

Zara, I love you so much, no worries! Trust me, you'll make it someday.

Now, I'm listening to Ed Sheeran's song, Photograph. Then, I think that is a beautiful song, 'We keep this love in a photograph, we made these memories for ourselves'. I pray for your happiness. Everywhere you go, you stay, you grow, you bloom. You want everything; go get it! Never let anyone make you down; don't let someone define you. Still, if there is a chance for me to meet you again, let's meet at the right time.

You know my prediction is true, you're gonna far. 

According to my perspective, our meeting is like a surprise, you know? At night, you seem really interested in me, so do I. You're the greatest thing I lost in this age, walking with you, we talked about so many things. We smiled, and you looked at me. I saw the stars, sparkling in your eyes. No matter what happens to me right now, to you as well, I want you to be happy as you are, with your dreams, your wants, and your happiness. I'm sorry for letting you go at this age. I still love you, but if you find someone better there, I'll be happy with your choice.

Remember? You told me about 'the city', and I fell in love with the concept of urban planning and water sanitation, the difference between drinking water and something related to water. We visited the place that you called 'hidden location'. You explained it so in detail, I listened to your words, and it sticks in my mind. You are very smart, you know that I love studying, and you support me very well. You look like a sunset in the west, in Montana, Missoula, your beautiful heart and mind, just like the Clark Fork River; extremely calm.

So pack up your car, put a hand on your heart. Say whatever you feel, be wherever you are, we ain't angry at you, love. You're the greatest thing we've lost. The birds will still sing, your folks will still fight. The boards will still creak, the leaves will still die, we ain't angry at you, love, we'll be waiting for you, love, and we'll all be here forever, you're gonna far, then you're gonna far.

 

Today I realized something again: sincerity is never easy. Every time I try to live with it fully, it aches a little. Maybe because being sincere means giving without knowing what will come back. And somehow, that makes me feel both strong and fragile at the same time.

I keep thinking about December, the month you came into my life. It felt simple then, but now I understand it was something much deeper. Thank you for believing in me, even in moments when I doubted myself the most.

For me, love has never been something light; it's not just a word, it's a commitment, something I'm still learning, still trying to understand. And in a world full of questions, you answered mine with so much patience. That's something I will always remember. I know I'm not always easy. Sometimes my anger comes before my thoughts do. But you...you always showed up with that calm smile and said: "It's okay, it's okay". And somehow, it really felt okay.

I miss the little things; the bolen, the mie ayam, the coffee, the quiet moments that didn't feel special at the time but mean everything now. Maybe that's why I don't want to go back there. Because every corner would remind me of you, and I'm not sure if my heart is ready for that.

I find myself asking a quiet question: can we meet again, someday? not now. Maybe not anytime soon. But someday, when life feels a little more certain. I'm sorry again, and maybe not for the last time. It's just that I'm learning to choose my dreams first. I need to walk my own path, slowly, carefully, until it finally feels clear and that choice...somehow leads me away from you, at least for now.

It doesn't mean I never wanted a future with you. I did. Maybe a part of me still does. I once imagined staying, accompanying you through the years you hoped for. But deep down, I know...right now, this isn't where we're meant to be. There's a quiet honesty in accepting that something beautiful can still be not right and that hurts in a way I can't explain.

So I let you go with a small hope in my heart that maybe, in another time, another version of us, we could meet again. If Allah allows it, if life is long enough, if our paths, somehow, find their way back to each other. 

Until then, I'll carry this feeling softly,

like something I'm not ready to lose,

but have to release anyway.

Zara, in her busy head.

Zara, best of luck!